Today is the first day of my Spring Break, the first real break I can remember in nearly two years. Certainly, I've had weekends, and I only work part-time (supposedly), but having just finished my master's, I can truly rest without research or writing looming over my shoulder for the first time is what feels like an eternity. That's so exciting to me. I have missed doing so many of the things I love. I'm excited to learn how to use my camera better, to garden, to organize the kids' baby pictures, to clean my house (I can't remember the last time I really cleaned. When I don't have time to do it, that's when I actually crave doing it.).
But you know what I really miss most? Brandon. I gave Anali and Asher the best of my attention in those hours I got to be home, yet it was Brandon that made my leaving home to study possible. I was stressed and grumpy, and he was patient and giving. Not perfect, but nearly.
I'm looking forward to studying Brandon, now, with the dedication that I studied literacy and the tenderness that comes to me as a mother but not so readily as a wife. It seems any goodness I have in me is expended elsewhere and Brandon gets the weariness. It's about time my husband feels cherished again. I sure like him. I hope he still likes me. [Insert pitiful smile.]
I'm also excited to catch up with my friends, if they'll have me back. I'm afraid I've been less than attentive for the past year and a half, as I've lived in survival mode trying to balance family, school, and work. Hi, Michelle, Gina. I do remember you!
It's sure hard to understand why in my children's infancy I would choose to go back to school. It sure didn't make a lot of sense, and I had to reconcile the decision constantly with the truth I believed as I started down this path. Even now, on the other side of my degree, I wonder what I was thinking. But I have to know that God is God and He calls Himself sovereign for a reason. He partnered with me in my classes at UW at the same time He partnered with Brandon as he put the kids to bed by himself. He comforted our children, I believe, and covered them - and me - with His grace. The far-reaches of God's lovingkindness is what I've learned in this process. And the character of His omnipresence.
For the first time in months, I feel present again, myself. Hello, Life!
Love,
Rachel
